I detest multi-human transportation. \u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m glad it exists.\u00a0 It can be cheap.\u00a0 But it reminds me of school which I don\u2019t like.\u00a0 There is that unmistakable institutional feel that permeates the entire experience.\u00a0 I also hate the smell of airplane farts of which there would be 20+ hours of.\u00a0 So it had to be a place as special as Thailand to allow me to overcome this foolishness, to get motivated to embark on such a big trip.<\/p>\n
After flying to JFK from Boston, I boarded a behemoth 14-hour flight to Beijing.\u00a0 I sat next to a gentleman from India named Sidhu.\u00a0 He had spent five weeks or so visiting a daughter in New Mexico, family in Vancouver and a son in NYC. \u00a0Sidhu was 63 and had been retired for three years.\u00a0 From the age of 14 and a half through 60, he was a police officer in India. \u00a0At 14 and a half, I hadn\u2019t stopped playing with Legos yet.\u00a0 India clearly has noteworthy trust in its youth.<\/p>\n
In many movies, there has been that moment when the President of the United States is in danger and quickly gets ushered to safety.\u00a0 This is how it was for me when I landed in Beijing and Air China realized I was about to miss my connecting flight to Bangkok.\u00a0 I was aggressively ushered with shouts and important hand movements through multiple checkpoints.\u00a0 The irony was that my connecting flight was delayed three hours due to mechanical nonsense.<\/p>\n
I finally got to Bangkok at 3:30 AM and took a taxi to my hotel, Lamphu Treehouse.\u00a0 The lobby was open with dark wood everywhere.\u00a0 I started to notice that in a climate like this, it was hard to see where outside ended and inside began. It was a quiet, tucked away place right on a canal.\u00a0 After five hours of sleep, I was arrested by a fine American breakfast buffet.\u00a0 Thai food may be the tops in the PM, but in the AM, my body and soul desire American food styles.<\/p>\n
In the six hours since I arrived to my hotel, Bangkok transformed into a complete traffic-choked nuthouse.\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t walk ten feet without passing a food vendor or being attacked by a shifty character trying to sell you something or swindle you in some way.\u00a0 Later that night, a tuk tuk driver tried to gain my business by simply saying \u201cHappy Ending\u201d.\u00a0 If I was offered a happy beginning<\/i>, perhaps I would have considered. \u00a0Never before had the color of my skin betrayed me so.\u00a0 I instantly became a lightning rod for all sorts of unwanted transactions.<\/p>\n
Almost instantly, I started to enjoy the Thai\u2019s questionable but enjoyable use of the English language.\u00a0 An entertaining example of this was a yellow sports car with the words \u201cTop Secret\u201d dangerously written on the side.\u00a0 It must be a challenge to remain so top secret with the words \u201cTop Secret\u201d written in big letters on the side of your car.<\/p>\n
I headed south through the famous, crowded Amulet Market but as my amulet needs were practically nil, I moved on.\u00a0 The only time I\u2019ve ever used an amulet was in a video game.\u00a0 I was about to enter the big temple known as Wat Phra Kaew when a security officer advised me to return later when the crowds had died down so he waved down a tuk tuk driver for me and told the driver to take me to a few notable sights.<\/p>\n
I should probably tell you what a tuk tuk is.\u00a0 More than a gas powered vehicle, it is potentially the most fun way to get around a city.\u00a0 It\u2019s about four and a half feet wide and eight feet long.\u00a0 It has two wheels in the back and one up front that is steered with handlebars.\u00a0 They have a distinct sound and smell and they look like something you would find in a children\u2019s ride in an amusement park.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nTuk tuks in Chiang Mai<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
My driver was a short, smiling man of 60 years.\u00a0 His tuk tuk looked older than I was.\u00a0 I soon found out it was actually the same age as I am (40\u2026gross).\u00a0 I looked at all the holes, dings and overall lack of luster that this tuk tuk had and I suddenly felt old.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nMy tuk tuk driver and I<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
My driver was a force to be reckoned with.\u00a0 What amazed me most is how comfortable everyone was with everyone else\u2019s absolute lawless driving.\u00a0 He showed no remorse as he drove on the wrong side of the road after sitting in traffic for a few moments (an all too common practice as I would continue to see).\u00a0 He abused bike lanes often.\u00a0 He zigged zagged. \u00a0He cut people off.\u00a0 It was all too glorious and I loved it.<\/p>\n
He took me to Buddhist temples.\u00a0 The temples were beyond description.\u00a0 They were ornate to the point it looked like some impossible computer graphic or a prism of colors not done by man but by some powerful force of physics.\u00a0 Every temple was ornate inside and out.\u00a0 Upon entering, you were required to remove your shoes which created the perfect scenario for a shoe thief.<\/p>\n
The only thing that rivalled the beauty of the temples was the suit I had made for me at B.B. Fashion, a shop that my tuk tuk driver took me to.\u00a0 I chose a luscious burgundy-colored Thai silk for the suit and black silk for the shirt.\u00a0 The employee, Alex, tried to sell me the store but I was able to resist.\u00a0 I was measured at 2:00PM on a Thursday and the suit and shirt were ready by 10:00AM the next day.\u00a0 Someone was certainly exploited in this process but I still felt joy in this piece of custom clothing that would make its way to stage on the body of Barry Tattle.<\/p>\n
The morning my suit was to be ready, I called Alex to see how it looked.\u00a0 He professionally replied \u201cvery sexy\u201d.\u00a0 Alex was shady and it made me happy.<\/p>\n
After eating and sharing a beer with my driver and seeing a gigantic reclining Buddha in Wat Pho, I bid farewell to my excellent driver.<\/p>\nGiant Reclining Buddha<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
The next day I tried my suit on and the fit was alarmingly perfect.\u00a0 It was tight in the way Barry Tattle\u2019s suits yearn to be tight.\u00a0 The final price for the suit, the shirt and shipping was $310.\u00a0 Absurd.\u00a0\u00a0 I left B.B. Fashion and headed to Suvarnabhumi Airport where I would meet Green.\u00a0 As it turns out, Green is much more than a color.\u00a0 She is also a dear Thai lady.\u00a0 I met her through a Thai nanny in Boston that I met during a job.\u00a0 Green and I had emailed a lot before we dramatically met in front of an airport Starbucks.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nThe great and shady gent that sold me a game-changer of a suit<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\nThe suit finally in the hands of Barry Tattle being used in a manner consistent with its impact on ladies.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The two of us boarded her Toyota Corolla that had some fine custom trimmings added to it around the door handles and gas cap.\u00a0 Around the door handles read the words \u201cBe your own star\u201d.\u00a0 So basically this Toyota Corolla was like a loving grandmother that built your confidence by dropping positive anecdotes on you.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nThank you car door handle, I will.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
Our ultimate mission, our ultimate desire was to visit Thailand\u2019s finest jungle, Khao Yai.\u00a0 But first, we would spend the night at a small house she owned in Prachinburi.\u00a0 On the way to her house, we stopped at a well-known temple covered in white marble.\u00a0 Watching Green I realized how superstitious and spiritual the Thai Buddhists were.\u00a0 Green bought a few things to leave in front of Buddha as offerings.\u00a0 After kneeling in front of Buddha and praying, she grabbed a cylinder filled with numbered sticks.\u00a0 She shook the cylinder until a stick fell out.\u00a0 She looked at the number on the stick and walked over to a space on a wall that had various fortunes with numbers that corresponded to the numbers on the sticks.\u00a0 But not all the fortunes were good.\u00a0 Green told me that you could tell which fortunes were bad since they were the ones that still had a large quantity still hanging on the wall.\u00a0 If someone had shaken out the stick of a bad fortune, they would often leave it on the wall.<\/p>\nMarble Temple<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
We drove on to her house which was located about 30 minutes from the jungle.\u00a0 Living in her house were a couple people she used to work with when she lived in Prachinburi: Ohm and Ainst.\u00a0 She had since switched jobs and moved to Bangkok which is why she rented her place to Ohm and Ainst.\u00a0 The four of us crushed lots of food we cooked ourselves at a restaurant that put a bucket of flames underneath a grill device that cooked meat and heated a stew in a surrounding moat.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nHer name may be Green but she likes her purses to be yellow. Across the table from Green and I are Ohm and Ainst.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
After eating, Green and I explored the wonders of karaoke.\u00a0 In America, most women would not karaoke with you unless they were your mother, girlfriend of ten years or dying.\u00a0 Green made her way through so many Thai pop tunes that delight was all that was left in me.\u00a0 I returned fire with some Sinatra, Joe Cocker, Elton John and \u201cYou\u2019ve Lost That Love and Feeling\u201d.\u00a0 By the end of our karaoke sojourn, it felt like we had taken a bath together\u2026there were no more secrets between us.\u00a0 This is the power of karaoke that no one talks about.\u00a0 It exposes and shames you like your first day at Shawshank Prison.<\/p>\n
The next morning we headed towards Khao Yai.\u00a0 Everywhere we drove, the driving somehow got scarier.\u00a0 My favorite remains how people drive a small motorbike or scooter in the breakdown lane as small motorbikes or scooters drive the opposite direction in that same breakdown lane.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs this allowed?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d Green told me.<\/p>\n
Lawless.<\/p>\n
What looked like a shack and a patio hiding behind some bushes turned out to be a shockingly cheap and amazing Vietnamese restaurant.\u00a0 We had not had breakfast so we decided a spicy Vietnamese meal was the best way to start the day (and it was).\u00a0 From there we visited the great jungle.\u00a0 A jungle is not as interesting as great food or terrible driving so I won\u2019t go into wonderful detail about it.\u00a0 There were waterfalls and monkeys and people there.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nBrutal<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nIt would have been the perfect picture if not for that stupid post in the middle.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
In the park was a Buddhist shrine dedicated to a man that was instrumental in making the roads through Khao Yai National Park.\u00a0 Here I tried my luck with the can of numbered sticks and managed to get a very good fortune that more or less said: \u00a0I will be lucky with everything I wish for.\u00a0 If I am sick, I will get well. \u00a0I will\u00a0find my soul mate. \u00a0I will become friends with my enemies.\u00a0 If I lose something, I will get it back.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nFor those of you that read Thai, here is my fortune.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
On our way back to Bangkok, we stopped at a strange steak house.\u00a0 If you ignored the Thai employees and clientele, you would have thought you were in a hokey, middle American restaurant.\u00a0 There were wholesome red plaid curtains and wooden booths to sit in.\u00a0 Afterwards, Green dropped me in Bangkok where I checked into Korbua House on the same canal as my last hotel but a few hundred yards away.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
The following day I met up with a close friend of my Boston comedy friend, Bethany.\u00a0 Nong was born in Thailand, moved to the states in her early teens and moved back to Bangkok only a month ago. \u00a0Most of her family lives in Bangkok but Bangkok also happens to be a good place to embark on her clothing design business.<\/p>\n
I will not tell you Nong\u2019s age but once I discovered it, I could not believe it.\u00a0 She was fit and lovely (if I ever start a lady gym chain or a yogurt company, it will be called \u201cFit and Lovely\u201d).\u00a0 I told her she must be some sort of immortal \u201cHighlander\u201d or \u201cThailander\u201d.\u00a0 With her compact, athletic figure, the flashes of red that ran through her hair and the choice eyeliner work around her eyes, she had the appearances of a dangerous and desirable character in the movie Highlander.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nA Thailander and I<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
In addition to visiting Bangkok\u2019s biggest temple, Wat Phra Kaew (with all the suit measuring and beer drinking, I never made it there the other day), Nong wanted to also visit a temple that was known for bringing fortune to those starting a business (among other things).\u00a0 She bought some offerings, placed them in front of a shrine, kneeled down with her feet pointing away from Buddha (it is extremely disrespectful to point your feet at Buddha or anyone else), and silently prayed.\u00a0 This was the second time in a couple days that I got to watch a lovely Thai lady pray and I had no objection to it.<\/p>\n
While Nong was occupied in prayer, I walked over to a small stage where three Thai ladies, dressed in some sort of traditional, royal looking garb engaged in a very loud comedy that was accompanied by music.\u00a0 It proved to be an odd pairing with the nearby holiness but Buddhism rolls in a different style.\u00a0 I could not imagine a stage on the grounds of a church with some person telling jokes within earshot of praying people.<\/p>\n
\nMonks praying with their wondrous \u201chigh and tight\u201d haircuts.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The two of us then took in the over-the-top wonders of Wat Phra Kaew.\u00a0 The craftsmanship and attention to detail were other worldly.\u00a0 It made me understand why some people think aliens are responsible for certain human creations. \u00a0It also struck me how \u201cbling\u201d Buddhism could be and perhaps offered an explanation as to why many Thai cars and tuk tuks were sometimes amusement-park colorful.\u00a0 The key attraction of the temple is the Emerald Buddha.\u00a0 Although not very big, it is very old and considered to be one of the most important Buddha statues in Thailand.<\/p>\n
As special as it was, I had a hard time keeping my eye off one of the temple employees that had four inches of hair growing out of a mole on his right cheek.\u00a0 Perhaps there is a reason for its profound presence.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny because this man\u2019s job was to coax people to leave the main temple area so others could come in.\u00a0 Perhaps this mole pony tail helped scare people out.<\/p>\n
After leaving the temple, we enjoyed some ice cold coconut water.\u00a0 This had become a favorite of mine.\u00a0 They hacked open the top of a young coconut with a large knife and put a straw in it.\u00a0 When you\u2019re done, you can scoop out some coconut with a spoon.<\/p>\n
Nong and I walked over to a market area where we purchased colorful bread shaped like a lotus.\u00a0 Stuck into the bread were a candle and two sticks of incense.\u00a0 The purpose of this was to give thanks to the river by lighting the candle and incense and putting it into the river.\u00a0 This was part of the Loi Krathong festival, something Nong had strongly wished to take part in.\u00a0 After we set our lotus bread boats loose in the water, we hopped on a very crowded boat and headed down the river to a sky train station.\u00a0 Our object was to avoid the festival crowds that were starting to swell along the river so we headed east, away from the river, to a trendy area known as Siam Square for dinner.\u00a0 Then we moved further east into Sukhumvit.\u00a0 Here we had drinks at a sleek bar that had upside down Barbie Dolls hanging from a ceiling.\u00a0 All of the Barbies were connected by string to various gears that moved them up and down at different times.\u00a0 It was unsettling.<\/p>\nBarbie Ceiling<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
The next bar we visited was Iron Fairies.\u00a0 What a fantastic place this was!\u00a0 Imagine a 30-foot wide by 30-foot deep by 40-foot tall box filled with various wooden landings that were all connected by wooden staircases.\u00a0 The place seemed to be lit only by candles.\u00a0 It felt like a deep, romantic place out of a fairy tale.<\/p>\n
Shortly after we sat, a jazz quartet started to play.\u00a0 They were fronted by a desirable Thai lady singer.\u00a0 She spoke in what I could only call \u201cJazzy English\u201d but with a thick Thai accent.\u00a0 Once she started to sing, her accent vanished.\u00a0 As I sat there, I noticed a few couples composed of white men with younger Thai ladies.\u00a0 I know that in Thailand it can be common to hang out with a Thai woman in a PG manner.\u00a0 If you want your manner to be rated R or S (for Scandal), that is also possible.\u00a0 At least one of the couples looked to be something more.\u00a0 This something more was probably a more permanent solution.\u00a0 Green had told me that many foreign men would travel an hour or so from Bangkok to the coastal city of Pattaya to collect what might become a long term girlfriend or wife. \u00a0\u00a0Many of these women were poor and this arrangement provided them a way out.<\/p>\n
The following day I saw what looked to be several cases of this walking around Phuket airport, the main landing point for the southern beaches and islands.\u00a0 I guess that\u2019s what you do after you pick your lady up at the lady shop; you first try her out in a paradisiacal environment.\u00a0\u00a0 It made me sad.\u00a0 Hopefully some of these relationships become genuinely romantic.\u00a0 But from what I saw, they had a dark futuristic tone to them, like something you would see in a science fiction movie where society has become something you can relate to but something you hope we avoid, something you\u2019re glad was only in a movie.<\/p>\n
Nong then brought up such a funny and accurate point.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe everyone here thinks the same about us, that you hired me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I returned fire. \u201cNo, they probably think YOU hired ME.\u201d<\/p>\n
The two of us said our goodbyes and I enjoyed my final Bangkok tuk tuk ride back to my hotel.<\/p>\n
The following day I flew down to Phuket and then ferried my way to one of the less trafficked islands known as Koh Yao Yai.\u00a0 On the ferry ride, I met a man named Daeng.\u00a0 He worked at a hotel on the island.\u00a0 When I mentioned I was from Boston, he told me that he was in Falmouth, MA the previous year to deliver his boss\u2019 cremated remains to a church that contained his father\u2019s remains.\u00a0 I\u2019ve heard of bosses asking for a cup of coffee or to pick up some dry cleaning but this was something entirely new.<\/p>\n
At the pier, I was picked up by Dam, the owner of my hotel for the next three nights, the Thiwson Beach Resort.\u00a0 I was shown to a very proper, charming wood bungalow.\u00a0 Everything here was friendly and relaxing and right on the beach.\u00a0 One of the employees showed me to my room.\u00a0 He attempted to instruct me in locking my door but could not as the key was bent.\u00a0 To comfort me, he said, \u201cNo need key\u2026safe here\u2026no mafia.\u201d\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have it in me to tell him that although I was no longer worried about the mafia breaking and entering into a bungalow on a remote Thai island, I would still like to be able to lock my door.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nMy bungalow at Thwison Resort<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The next day I rented a scooter and scooted my way south.\u00a0 The island was inhabited primarily by Muslim fisherfolk that seemed quite friendly.\u00a0 Dam had told me there was a gas station one kilometer.\u00a0 From the hotel, I drove right by what I thought was a juice station but turned out to be a gas station.\u00a0 It was a tiny little shack that had one-liter bottles of gas lined up on a shelf.<\/p>\n
As I drove on, it was nice to take in the simplicity of this place.\u00a0 Basic structures on the roadside served as tiny restaurants and shops.\u00a0 Everywhere I went, there seemed to be a smile waiting for me.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until I reached Thailand that I realized how much my smiling muscles atrophied in Boston.\u00a0 Children especially were amused by my appearance.\u00a0 To them I must have seemed to be some foreign, lightning-white wonder.\u00a0 At one point, I drove by a school in a remote area and all the children ran to the edge of the schoolyard and started screaming and laughing.\u00a0 On the way back, the procedure repeated itself.<\/p>\n
I managed to find a few nice beaches.\u00a0 One was much removed and of decent size.\u00a0 Besides a couple locals, I had it to myself.\u00a0 Now that I think of it, I also shared the beach with a lot of trash.\u00a0 This was a shame because without it, the beach was better than a best friend.<\/p>\n
The following morning I boarded a longtail boat right on the hotel\u2019s shoreline. \u00a0The plan was to visit several of the small islands just east of Koh Yao Yai.\u00a0 Sharing this experience were three Belgian gents named Dirk, Krist and Joris.\u00a0 They were friends from university and decided a two-week sojourn to Thailand was in order.<\/p>\n
The islands are part of Ao Phang-Nga Marine National Park and provide an abundance of karst scenery \u2013 think dramatic cliffs against the ocean, the likes of which you see in \u201cThe Man With The Golden Gun\u201d.\u00a0 We stopped at many pretty little beaches and did some mediocre snorkeling or as Joris pronounced it, \u201csnuggling\u201d.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\nA picture of a Belgian taking a picture of a lagoon.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\nIslands and another Belgian<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
<\/p>\nMore karst drama<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
Although the beaches were also full of many other fellow foreigners, we did enjoy the tour.\u00a0 There also seemed to be many Russian tourists which spurred on a funny observation the Belgians had made during their visit to the Similan Islands.\u00a0 The phenomenon they enjoyed was that of Russian men taking pictures of their girlfriends in the most ridiculous poses on the beach.\u00a0 Dirk showed me a couple rich examples on his camera.\u00a0 There was a lady laying in the sand, on her back side with her arms stretched out wide as if she was expecting a hug from the sun.\u00a0 The only parts of her back side that that touched the sand were her toes, butt and shoulders.\u00a0 She must have looked like the letter \u201cM\u201d from the side.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\nOnly yes<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
On one of the islands, I walked along a path that became the evacuation route during the tsunami nine years previously.\u00a0 I saw the wreckage of a couple smaller boats deep in the woods.\u00a0 It was almost impossible to imagine how they could have been brought back into such deep forest and vegetation.\u00a0 To my knowledge no one was killed on this tiny island during the tsunami but they did have to be rescued.\u00a0 What a horrific, certain-death feeling these and the other victims must have felt.\u00a0 If I ever survived a tsunami, I would probably wear a jetpack for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n
The next morning was all about rain so I sat around and wrote.\u00a0 Since I checked out of my room, I had to use the common area toilet when business needed to be executed.\u00a0 Normally I don\u2019t need to discuss movements with people but this experience allowed for my first skirmish with a Thai toilet.\u00a0 For those that don\u2019t know, it\u2019s basically a hole in the ground that one is supposed to stand above and mimic the position of a baseball catcher (except there is no catching; only \u201cthrowing\u201d).\u00a0 Even though the stall area was roomy, they felt it necessary to place this thing snug in a corner so it felt like trying to crap an 8-ball into the corner pocket.\u00a0 Fortunately, I\u2019m a pool shark so it all worked out.<\/p>\n
Afterwards, Dam drove a few of us to the pier in the back of a pickup truck taxi.\u00a0 We boarded a ferry to Ao Nang.\u00a0 I introduced myself to a couple I shared the taxi and ferry with: Ineke from Holland and Simon from Belgium.\u00a0 Simon\u2019s name was fortunate since he looked like a sharper, more handsome version of Simon Pegg.\u00a0 He expressed his regret at booking their trip through an agency.\u00a0 He felt a complete lack of control, especially when transferring from one place to another.\u00a0 I reflected on my relatively smooth experiences thus far but that was about to change.<\/p>\n
They both had an admirable handle of the English language which seems par for the course for any European traveler I meet.\u00a0 English seems to dominate the world.\u00a0 It is truly the Lord of The Rings \u201cCommon speech\u201d.\u00a0 If two people from two different countries that have different languages converse, it will almost always be in English.\u00a0 Even in Asia, this was the case.\u00a0 It amused me how a Chinese person would use English, the language of some far away land, to communicate with someone in a nearby or bordering country.<\/p>\n
From my understanding, once reaching Ao Nang, I was supposed to get on a longtail boat that took me to Railay, my next stop.\u00a0 Although Railay is on the mainland, one can only reach it by boat.\u00a0 After reaching a harbor near Ao Nang, I was told a taxi would take me to Ao Nang center where a longtail boat would take me to Railay.\u00a0 When I asked around where this taxi was, no one seemed to know so I approached an amiable British fellow who sported a fine northern accent and asked him for advice.\u00a0 He told me to walk down the beach for about a mile to a restaurant known as \u201cWang Sai\u201d, buy a longtail boat ticket and wait until eight or more people showed up.\u00a0 I was told a longtail captain would not travel with fewer than nine passengers unless you were willing to hire the boat out yourself for $50.<\/p>\n
I bought my 100-baht or roughly three-dollar ticket and waited for an hour.\u00a0 No one else showed up.\u00a0 I asked the ticket vendor if there was another way to get to Railay so she refunded my ticket and told me to walk ten minutes down the road to another point where longtail boats departed.\u00a0 I walked down the road only to find the boats were no longer running so I angrily walked back to Wang Sai bought my ticket back (which mysteriously increased to 150 baht) and enjoyed the fine fortune of twelve people showing up to take what was the last boat of the day to Railay.<\/p>\n
As we walked towards the water, we realized that our boat was about 100 yards offshore and that we had to walk into the water with our luggage above our heads.\u00a0 Among the passengers were two Japanese ladies with heavy suitcases.\u00a0 They were on their way to a wedding in Railay.\u00a0 One of them desperately dragged her suitcase through the sand that was wet from the ocean and the rain that was falling.\u00a0 I took the suitcase from her, lifted it above my head and walked like a third-world market gypsy into the water.\u00a0 By the time I reached the boat, small waves were compromising my balance.\u00a0 It was dark and the water was now above my waist.\u00a0 After handing the heavy case to someone on the boat, I scrambled up a slippery ladder, feeling as though I would tip the boat over as I climbed.\u00a0 Fifteen minutes later, we reached Railay West and experienced the reverse boarding process but in more shallow waters.<\/p>\n
After helping my two new and very grateful Japanese lady friends with their bags, we walked ashore to a very wet, drizzly Railay.\u00a0 The first thing I noticed was that this place was engineered with only temporary pleasure in mind.\u00a0 There were no cars or streets and seemed to be no real homes or schools.\u00a0 There was only a walkway that lead through bars, restaurants and hotels that were all next to each other, competing for your financial love.\u00a0 The vibe of the place was compared to one of reggae in my guide book which was true for a large part.<\/p>\nThese are power lines in Railay that were a safe five feet from the ground.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
<\/div>\n
This relaxed vibe was also shared by the fella on duty, An, at the front desk of Railay Garden View Resort, my hotel for two nights.\u00a0 An casually strolled up to the front desk with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.\u00a0 It\u2019s odd they called it \u201cGarden View\u201d because most of the bungalows have a legitimate sea view.\u00a0 All the bungalows were situated on different levels so nothing, save a few trees, obstructed the view.<\/p>\n
The next morning, with light, I could now appreciate the impressive scenery of Railay.\u00a0 There were partially vegetated cliffs that stood close to 100 meters tall.\u00a0 These cliffs acted as bouncers, keeping the douchebags out of (or perhaps in) this club known as Railay.\u00a0 They would not allow anyone in or out unless by boat.<\/p>\n
On the way back from breakfast, I met who would become my new friend for a day or so.\u00a0 His name was Son and he was about six or seven years old.\u00a0 I assume he was a child of one of the employees.\u00a0 He came over to me while I navigated my iPhone.\u00a0 I showed him a picture of the War Doll. \u00a0He responded with great pleasure, so much so that a young Japanese lady and her mother also came over to take a look.\u00a0 They were genuinely pleased to witness the true power of the West.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
\nThe War Doll or “The True Power of the West”<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
After a few hours of sea kayaking and viewing a cave, I returned to my bungalow.\u00a0 Before ascending the stairs to Railay Garden View, I saw Son rolling some old bicycle tires down the concrete walkway along the small beach.\u00a0 He was shirtless and very wet from a recent swim.\u00a0 American parents would never allow their young child to play among strangers, so far out of view, much less swim in the ocean.\u00a0 But if Son makes it to adulthood, he\u2019ll be stronger for it.<\/p>\n
My father once told me how he too had a very long leash as a six-year old growing up in the Bronx.\u00a0 He would often walk, by himself, to the western edge of the Bronx.\u00a0 This by itself is noteworthy but what made it spectacular was that to reach his destination, he had to cross some very busy train tracks in a train yard.\u00a0 And not just one set of tracks either\u2026he had to cross over at least four tracks that constantly had trains travelling on them!\u00a0 And if that isn\u2019t maniacal enough, he had to avoid the lethal \u201cthird rail\u201d that contained enough voltage to kill a mountain.\u00a0 This is more natural and outlandish than a storm!<\/p>\n
\u201cWatch out for the third rail,\u201d his parents might politely say as he left the apartment.<\/p>\n
\u201cChris!\u201d my father would say, \u201cIt\u2019s amazing I\u2019m alive!\u00a0 But this is how it was.\u00a0 This proves I was meant to be here today.\u201d<\/p>\n
Perhaps Son will someday be bald with white hair, a powerful creature passing on powerful tales of his past to a younger, softer generation.<\/p>\n
Son had a big smile on his face which made me happy since he didn\u2019t appear to have any friends his age in sight.\u00a0 And I also got the feeling he didn\u2019t go to school.\u00a0 His life seemed to be using his imagination to create an interesting world.\u00a0 As I sat out on my front porch, doing a combination of writing and staring out at the sea, he walked up the stairs to my bungalow and confidently took a seat next to me.\u00a0 He never spoke but he always had a pure smile on his face.\u00a0 I entertained him with some simple gags, one of which makes it appear that the tip of your index finger has separated from your finger.\u00a0 This evolved into guessing which hand behind our back contained a hidden object.\u00a0 His mother called him and he was off.<\/p>\n
Before hanging out with me, he walked up to the two young German ladies in the adjacent bungalow.\u00a0 They were relaxing on their front porch too.\u00a0 Son cutely and silently stood in their presence.\u00a0 I imagine Son did this a lot \u2013 walking right up to the guests without speech, without reservation like a friendly pet.\u00a0 This was his education and it must have been a unique one.<\/p>\n
As I ate my tasty American breakfast, a blonde woman with a face full of professional features asked to share the table with me.\u00a0 Ingrid was her name and she was a flight attendant for Lufthansa.\u00a0 She lived in Limburg, Germany and was on a two-week holiday. As it always seems to do when you meet people while travelling, the conversation lead to stories of other travels, both completed and ones filed under \u201cDreams\u201d.\u00a0 Everything about her made me think she was engineered to be a flight attendant: her face was very pretty (and it smiled genuinely), she had nice hair, she wanted to make those around her happy and she looked strong enough to pull my body out of a seat and throw it into a life raft.<\/p>\n
By the time we finished our breakfast, it was just after 9:00AM and a strong wind picked up.\u00a0 The rain that had been annoyingly but harmlessly tagging along like Bobby Brady for the past three days had now come back like Patti Labelle with a new attitude.\u00a0 Ingrid said goodbye and made her way to Railay West where she would catch a longtail boat that would bring her a few hundred meters offshore to a ferry on its way to Koh Phi Phi.\u00a0 Just like that, another pretty lady left my life.<\/p>\n
I had to do the same procedure 30 minutes later to catch a ferry bound for my next destination, Koh Lanta, so I packed up my things and walked over to Railay West in the type of rain I thought only happened in movies.\u00a0 I looked out at the water and saw a sea that had gone from \u201cannoyed\u201d to \u201cvisibly upset\u201d.\u00a0 When I reached the beach where my longtail boat was supposed to leave from, I was informed that all ferries were cancelled.<\/p>\n
I walked ten soaking, wind-driven minutes back to my hotel that I just checked out of to find it was now fully booked so I decided to go back to the beach in hopes of finding some other way off this place that could only be accessed by boat or wizard\u2019s spell.\u00a0 On my way back, I bumped into Ingrid again.\u00a0 Her ferry to Koh Phi Phi was also cancelled but being a seasoned traveler, she was able to smile through all of this.\u00a0 I told her that I was trying to get to Koh Lanta.\u00a0 After some short consideration, she decided to join me.\u00a0 In that authoritative German accent, she explained that Koh Lanta was on her list of islands to visit.\u00a0 That and the fact that the ferry cancellations were due to a ferry practically sinking off the coast of Koh Phi Phi made her change her course.<\/p>\n
We both wanted to leave Railay.\u00a0 It was a fine place but we both found it to be suffocating.\u00a0 Even if the weather had been pristine, I would have been itching to leave this place after two days.\u00a0 The place was filled with too many bros in search of a laid back beach paradise.\u00a0 And because Railay is famous for its rock climbing, there were also lots of straight up bros and she-bros in search of that perfect climb.\u00a0 All of this if fine but I was hoping for something a little more authentically Thai.\u00a0 I was beginning to think such a thing did not exist in the south.\u00a0 I guess there was much Thai authenticity in the south but it felt diluted by Russians and Europeans who approached southern Thailand in the way Americans would the Caribbean.\u00a0 I never got the feeling that many of these beachgoers cared they were in Thailand.\u00a0 They wanted a warm, relaxing holiday.\u00a0 There is nothing wrong with this nor was this the case with all the beachgoers.\u00a0 Many of them, like myself, would soon travel north in search of a more distinct cultural experience.<\/p>\n
But the Thais have no qualms about catering to these beach hunters.\u00a0 They\u2019re quite happy capitalize on this arrangement.\u00a0 The foreigners are happy because they enjoy a lovely tropical situation for little money and the locals are rewarded with a dependable business.\u00a0 I wondered what the south was like 30 or 40 years ago.\u00a0 It seemed to suffer the same fate that the Costa Del Sol did in southern Spain.\u00a0 What was once a more charming, low key paradise had now become a bit overrun.\u00a0 That said, with places like Koh Yao Yai, it seemed still possible to encounter a less worn environment in the south.<\/p>\n
This wanting to leave pushed us to find some way to get out of this place.\u00a0 Perhaps foolishly, we finally found a longtail captain that was crazy enough to brave the seas for 20 minutes.\u00a0 Twenty minutes is what it would take to get eleven of us to a small pier where we could take a taxi into Krabi.\u00a0 From there, we would take a minibus to Koh Lanta (via a couple brief car ferry rides).<\/p>\n
We waded out to our boat.\u00a0 How silly I have been all these years for taking for granted all those times I was able to board a boat without having to get soaked from the waist down.\u00a0 Acting as a second mate was a young boy of maybe ten years.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t believe this brave little bastard was allowed to join us on this trip.\u00a0 Judging from his leathery, hobbit-like feet, he had already logged many hours at sea.\u00a0 He had no life jacket on either.\u00a0 But then again, none of us were given life jackets on what would soon prove to be a very life jacket-worthy journey.<\/p>\n
As everyone struggled to board the boat with their possessions, I again appreciated that Railay is a place for the young.\u00a0 There is no way that most older folks would have the patience or physical capacity needed to simply get ashore.<\/p>\n
Next to me on the boat was Keith the Canadian.\u00a0 Keith was in his 40\u2019s and was absurdly fit.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t large but he clearly worked out.\u00a0 Even his face looked like it worked out.\u00a0 Keith could have been a person used as the successful, \u201cthis-could-be-you\u201d role in an over-40, testosterone supplement commercial.\u00a0\u00a0 Keith and I wondered why there was no pier in Railay or Ao Nang or so many other places.\u00a0 Later that day, I found out the reason: the royal family rarely gives out permission to build a pier in Thailand.\u00a0 I guess Railay won\u2019t be building any nursing homes any time soon.<\/p>\n
Once out in the open water, we were no longer just soaked from the waist down.\u00a0 Waves crashed over so frequently that it was no longer a series of waves but one continuous watery punishment.\u00a0 It was also at this time I began to relish the captain\u2019s Olympic talent at navigating the boat through extremely rough, ever-changing waters.\u00a0 He allowed the boat to shake side to side only once or twice (although front to back, the boat rocked furiously which was obviously beyond his control).\u00a0 He moved the boat around the waves as if he had somehow been given a map of exactly where the waves were going to be at exactly what time.\u00a0 When we reached the shore, everyone heartily clapped and cheered our protector.<\/p>\n
It turned out that Keith was headed in the same direction so the three of us eventually got on a very cramped minibus to Koh Lanta.\u00a0 Ingrid liked the sound of my hotel so she checked in to her own room there too as Keith broke off and pursued his own hotel destiny.<\/p>\n
\nA sign for a mangrove forest written in Thai and then masterfully translated in English.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\n<\/div>\n
Although not swept away, I was growing a tad fond of this German creature.\u00a0 Unfortunately, this 29-year old beauty could not stop talking about her 51-year old \u201clove\u201d back in Germany.\u00a0 Officially, they were no longer together but in many ways they still were. \u00a0The massive thorn in the side of this romance was that Ingrid wanted children and he did not.\u00a0 I told her to be careful but that ultimately, it seemed like getting burned was her only way of getting through this.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut we\u2019ve been together for three years.\u00a0 You should hear the things he says to me!\u00a0 He says he loves me!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d I said, \u201cA 51-year old guy is going to say whatever he has to say to keep a hot 29-year old around.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wow.\u00a0 I hope I didn\u2019t just say that because I was attracted to her \u2013 further proof that beautiful women cause problems.\u00a0 Or maybe it\u2019s the men that like these beautiful women that cause the problems.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t help matters that she kept using the word \u201clove\u201d to the point that the word was in danger of becoming a mosquito.<\/p>\n
Ingrid\u2019s parents were only nineteen and seventeen when they had her.\u00a0 Although they divorced, the parents remained friendly.\u00a0 Perhaps this older man provided her with both lover and any piece of a father figure she subconsciously felt she lacked.\u00a0 Maybe she just liked guys in her 50\u2019s.<\/p>\n
After drinks and dinner, she wanted to walk down the beach.\u00a0 Was she getting lusty with me?\u00a0 I borrowed some of the finest lines from Barry Tattle.\u00a0 I tried to find words inspired by this romantic setting.\u00a0 I think I likened her to a flower at some point.\u00a0 She smiled and laughed.\u00a0 She adored my attention but replied, \u201cYou are cute.\u00a0 There must be women at home that like you.\u201d<\/p>\n
This was indeed a polite way of telling me that her \u201clove\u201d still had power over her, even from six time zones away.\u00a0 All I could do is look at the ocean and blame it for its inability to assist me in my sexy efforts.\u00a0\u00a0 God!\u00a0 If only Barry Tattle were here\u2026he would have been able to safely arrive on the shores of Lady Land.<\/p>\n
Back at the bar, we talked at length with one of the owners, Michael.\u00a0 He was 34 and from Switzerland.\u00a0 His sharp mind, ability to speak several languages (including Thai), his charm, his natural attraction to people and his predator disposition made him the perfect business owner and host of the resort.\u00a0 His slight vanity was tempered by intelligence and genuine humility that would surface from time to time.\u00a0 He had first visited Koh Lanta in \u201998 and kept coming back a month at a time until he joined forces in 2007 with the other owner, a Muslim Thai named \u201cA\u201d.\u00a0 Like his fellow countrymen, Michael seemed to have a strong handle on finances, using words like \u201cspread sheets\u201d and \u201csilent partners\u201d.<\/p>\n
Technically, there was an invisible line down the middle of the resort, one half belonging to Michael and the other to A.\u00a0 This just wasn\u2019t for financial reasons but also for religious ones.\u00a0 Being Muslim, A did not want any alcohol or pork on his premises so all the porky drunks had to stay in the bar on Michael\u2019s side.<\/p>\n
Ingrid noticed a mango sitting on the bar.\u00a0 She practically begged Michael to eat it.\u00a0 Michael looked at A who shook his head and smiled and dutifully cut up the mango for her.\u00a0 Michael looked at the mango and asked me, \u201cWhat fruit are you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI couldn\u2019t really compare myself to a fruit,\u201d I answered.<\/p>\n
\u201cI said the same thing,\u201d Michael told me. \u201cbut upon reflection, I realized I\u2019m a coconut.\u00a0 It\u2019s got a very hard exterior except for a few spots on the top and once you break through, there is a soft, watery substance without much to it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut is a coconut even a fruit?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell I don\u2019t know\u2026I\u2019m not a scientist.\u00a0 But think on this for a couple days, you\u2019ll be able to think of a fruit you resemble.\u201d<\/p>\n
Weeks after this conversation, one thing happened and one thing didn\u2019t.\u00a0 The thing that happened was that I discovered that coconuts are indeed classified as fruit.\u00a0 The thing that did not happen is me thinking of a fruit I resemble.\u00a0 I\u2019m tempted to write something of this fruit quiz on TripAdvisor:<\/p>\n
\u201cMake sure you know what fruit you most resemble before checking into this hotel.\u00a0 If you really want to freak out the owner (the non-Muslim one), tell him he reminds you of a coconut.\u00a0 Oh, and the beds are comfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n
The next day I rented a scooter.\u00a0 I was going to scoot with Ingrid but she mentioned the word \u201cshopping\u201d so I decided it was best for me to go it alone.\u00a0 I rode north and then east and then south along the coast.\u00a0 Just like I saw in Koh Yao Yai, I saw gas being sold in bottles outside all kinds of shops.\u00a0 But since Koh Lanta is not as Muslim as Koh Yao Yai, most of the gas was stored in used Thai whiskey bottles.\u00a0 This was ironic because Thai whiskey looks and tastes like gas.<\/p>\n
\nThai whiskey bottles filled with gas. It looked like a deleted scene from \u201cThe Road Warrior\u201d.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
I made a stop at the charming Old Lanta Town.\u00a0 As I was about to leave, I saw a Thai couple in their 60\u2019s making fruit shakes so I ordered one consisting of coconut and mango.\u00a0 I\u2019m a big fan of a drink that requires the use of a machete which was the tool required to open up the coconut (or as I now call this fruit, the \u201cSwiss Michael\u201d).\u00a0 The fruit shake man sat down with me and taught me some words in Thai.\u00a0 He grew up in Koh Lanta and lived in the house that his father built.\u00a0 This man was great.\u00a0 If you took Neil Diamond\u2019s hairstyle from the 70\u2019s, aged it, and thinned it out by 60%, that\u2019s what his hair looked like. \u00a0I\u2019m not really sure what was keeping this guy from renaming himself \u201cNeil Thaimond\u201d.<\/p>\n
\nNeil Thaimond and I.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\n<\/div>\n
\nNeil murdering a coconut with a machete in an undeniably sanitary environment.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The next day I headed south on the scooter and made it to Mo Koh Lanta National Park, located at the southernmost tip of the island.\u00a0 I walked through a little jungle and then to a lighthouse.\u00a0 At the base of the lighthouse, I stopped to reflect on the fact that I was at the southernmost point of my trip and now further south on this planet than I had ever been before. \u00a0I\u2019ve never been south of the Equator and this is as close as I\u2019ve come.\u00a0 I hope I did not tease the southern hemisphere too much with such a near miss.<\/p>\n
\nIf this beach in Moh Koh Lanta National Park were a lady, it would be a mid 1990\u2032s Teri Hatcher (ah what the hell, even a current day Teri Hatcher \u2013 girl still got it).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
While I walked back to my scooter, two Russian men walked towards me, the opposite way.\u00a0 Even in a Thai body, the man on the right would have seemed momentously foreign and out of place.\u00a0 The way he walked and held his body was almost cartoonish; there was this sensational oblivious pride to every step.\u00a0 This is why it was so delightful when, without warning, a little monkey ran up to him, ripped open the paper bag he was carrying, quickly identified a pineapple, grabbed it, darted over to a tree and climbed it as if gravity was momentarily suspended. \u00a0By the time the man realized what was happening, the monkey was already 20 feet from him.\u00a0 By the time the Russian became angry, the monkey was perched on a branch about 50 feet up.\u00a0 If you brought this monkey feat to a human scale, it would be as if a human grabbed a keg of beer and made it to a height of 150 feet in a tree in under fifteen seconds.\u00a0 \u00a0The monkey was now eating the pineapple and staring at the Russian who was shaking his fist.\u00a0 Eventually the humor of the situation took over and the man (and I) started to take pictures of this wonderful little bastard in the tree.<\/p>\n
\nA wonderful, pineapple-stealing, little bastard.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
Although out of my way, I decided to visit my favorite juice-making couple again.\u00a0 I ordered the same coconut-mango brew from yesterday.\u00a0 I sat down to drink and conversed with Neil Thaimond, realizing this out of the way juice run was worth it.\u00a0 For whatever reason, I consciously chose to understand that I would probably never see this man again.\u00a0 I typically don\u2019t think this way.\u00a0 But most of the people we encounter in life are ones that we probably see once or twice and then never again.\u00a0 Because of this, I tried to enjoy this unique moment.\u00a0 The man told me his name but I can\u2019t remember it.<\/p>\n
\nNeil Thaimond spending some rare time with his woman. She always sits to Neil\u2019s right when wearing this shirt so the world knows she loves Neil Thaimond.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
Upon returning to base, I decided it was time for a Thai massage.\u00a0 My masseuse was in her 50\u2019s and little but when I closed my eyes, I felt I was being slowly crushed by the Terminator or some other mechanical act of God.\u00a0 There were times I feared I would break but I tried to relax and have faith in this little lady torturer.\u00a0\u00a0 When it was over, I must say I felt alright.<\/p>\n
I had not seen Ingrid the night before or during the day (I actually phoned her at one point to make sure she was okay).\u00a0 I was at the bar drinking a beer and reading \u201cA Prayer For Owen Meany\u201d when she walked over.\u00a0\u00a0 Ingrid told me about her adventures since seeing me last.\u00a0 She got a flat tire, got it fixed and finally made it to some bungalows known as \u201cWhere Else\u201d.\u00a0 Since I met Ingrid, she incessantly kept talking about this place.\u00a0 I never asked why she wanted to see it.\u00a0 My brain unknowingly registered it as some repetitive item you encounter in a novel.\u00a0 At first it seems unimportant but then suddenly, this little clue sheds light on some crucial feature in the novel later on.\u00a0 Finally she explained.<\/p>\n
Ten or so years ago, her \u201clove\u201d travelled to Thailand and stayed at \u201cWhere Else\u201d.\u00a0 He loved it so in an attempt to feel a special connection to him, she felt compelled to go there.\u00a0 As she went on about this place, I noticed her small black shorts and black top.\u00a0 She really looked good.\u00a0 Why do women have to look so good when they\u2019re talking about their older German boyfriends that are so far away, they may as well be fairy tale characters?<\/p>\n
I stepped away from the bar for a moment and when I returned, Ingrid was speaking in her native tongue to a young handsome German man with a tank top and tan shoulders.\u00a0 They talked so long that I started to read again.\u00a0 They showed no signs of letting up so I got up, said goodbye and let them carry on.\u00a0 I simply couldn\u2019t compete.\u00a0\u00a0 The handsome, the young and the German are all things I could handle but the tan shoulders were simply more than I bargained for.<\/p>\n
Today I had breakfast, said good bye to Ingrid and made my way north to Krabi.\u00a0 I checked into the Orange Tree House hotel and was greeted by a wild-eyed, entertaining and friendly man in his 30\u2019s.\u00a0 He took my details and arranged my next day\u2019s transfer to the island of Koh Phangan which is off the gulf coast side of Thailand.\u00a0 When I asked his name, he said \u201cTiger\u201d.\u00a0 But he didn\u2019t just say \u201cTiger\u201d, he put his hands out like claws as he spoke his name.\u00a0 I would have paid double for my room if I knew this was how my stay would start out.\u00a0 Soon after, I met OIL.\u00a0 OIL also worked at the hotel and was a friend of the same Thai nanny that introduced me to Green.\u00a0 That\u2019s right, I had now met a Green, a Tiger and now an OIL; things were getting pretty Disney around here.<\/p>\n
I left the hotel and found myself in a town that did not inspire awe but one that was cute in its own way.\u00a0 One thing I did enjoy was that there were not too many tourists.\u00a0 There seemed to be regular Thai people doing regular Thai things.<\/p>\n
\nI still don\u2019t know why a Cro Magnon man was carrying traffic lights in Krabi.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
In the morning, OIL was kind enough to bring me breakfast.\u00a0 I returned the favor by picking up a few snacks for her and Tiger at a local market.\u00a0 I was beginning to love these local markets. \u00a0I was boldly diving into them with little regard for food poisoning.\u00a0 Being from half a world away, partaking in these exotic, often less than sanitary food dispensaries was like walking on the moon without a spacesuit.\u00a0 The locals had long ago developed a hardy resistance to the bacteria and God knows what else found in these markets but they were all new to my foreign figure.\u00a0 I was amazed that I handled it all so well.\u00a0 There were a few times I felt small disturbances in my bodily force but at such time I would take some homeopathy remedies given to me by my friend\u2019s wife.\u00a0 Did this homeopathy work or was it more of a placebo effect?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know but I\u2019ll take them again.<\/p>\n
The van that came to pick me up looked like a run-down, dumpier version of the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo, although this van looked like it created more mysteries than it solved.\u00a0 And so began what I was finding to be a typical transfer experience.\u00a0 I thought, foolishly, this one van would drive me to the ferry about 100 miles away.\u00a0 Instead, I was driven to one travel agency\/station in Krabi where I stood around for 30 minutes.\u00a0 I was then told to get on another van that stopped at a couple restaurants, travel agencies and finally to some 5th<\/sup> world bus station.\u00a0 The roof of this station was supported by thin logs and was made of corrugated metal that was heavily dented from all the coconuts that had fallen onto it.\u00a0 There were mismatched plastic chairs scattered about the dirt floor in no specific pattern.\u00a0 One of these chairs almost broke in half when a man sat in it.\u00a0 A bathroom that cost about sixteen cents to use was home to putrid aromas and urinals that were somehow mistaken for ashtrays.<\/p>\n
\nA Thai bus station.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
After 90 minutes in this glorious hole, I was ushered to a large bus that was going to take me to the opposite coast. \u00a0The wonder of it all was that after two and a half hours of short van rides and standing around, I was no more than five miles from the Orange Tree House hotel, my original point of departure.\u00a0 If someone had simply told me I had to be at this bus \u201cstation\u201d to catch a bus at a certain time, I would have taken a taxi from my hotel and avoided over two hours of thumb-sucking nonsense.<\/p>\n
Once the bus got going, I realized the air conditioning system somehow caused me to sweat more than if there was no air conditioning.\u00a0 At one point, the bus pulled over to the side of the highway in the breakdown lane where two vans appeared to be waiting.\u00a0 One of the van drivers came aboard and called out for people going to Surat Thani.\u00a0 About 20 people got up and left.\u00a0 After this professional exchange, the bus pulled out into the highway, only to pull back over three minutes later.\u00a0 Another van driver got on to our bus.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyone else go to Surat Thani?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
We all looked around but no one moved.\u00a0 The man asked again but no one moved.\u00a0 He counted us, shrugged and left.\u00a0 The bus pulled back out onto the highway and drove to the pier where we barely made our ferry.<\/p>\n
On the boat, I sat down in the seating area located in the lower deck and tried to relax.\u00a0 To my right, along the windows, was a ledge where I noticed something odd.\u00a0 About two feet away, ants were slowly devouring a dead dragonfly.\u00a0 At that point, I didn\u2019t care so I rested my head on the ledge anyways.\u00a0 Besides, the ants seemed to be more interested in the dragonfly than me.\u00a0 A few minutes passed and I suddenly sensed something heading towards me so while keeping my head on the ledge, I turned slightly and saw a mouse running on that same ledge, heading for my face.\u00a0 He was about six feet away and closing fast.\u00a0 I pulled my groggy head up fast which scared the little creature so much that he fell off the ledge.\u00a0 I looked all around the floor area beneath the seats but didn\u2019t see him.\u00a0 That was the time I decided to sit in the upper deck.<\/p>\n
When our boat pulled into the harbor at Koh Phangan, it was dark.\u00a0 Lucky for me, Watcharin, the owner of the hotel I was to stay at for the next three nights, happened to be at the pier and drove me to the Longtail Resort.\u00a0 The road that took us through the middle of the island to the northeast corner was a mess due to construction.\u00a0 On our way, I told Watcharin I was headed back to the mainland on Saturday to spend a few nights at the lesser known beach town of Khanom.\u00a0 He informed me that he would be leaving Koh Phangan Saturday morning on a car ferry and driving right by Khanom if I wanted a ride.\u00a0 I immediately accepted his gift-like gesture.\u00a0 I became drunk on the idea of not having to put myself through another transfer like I had today.\u00a0 In the fifteen minutes that I had known him, Watcharin had become my best friend.\u00a0 I privately decided that he would be repaid for his efforts in whiskey or gas.<\/p>\n
The next day I rented a scooter.\u00a0 I wanted to drive back into town and over to a jungle where I could hike to the island\u2019s highest peak.\u00a0 This idea was lovely in theory but in theory it would remain.\u00a0 The heavy rains of the previous night and morning had made the road too muddy to travel.\u00a0 I tried to navigate it with my scooter but I was all over the place.\u00a0 Because of this, I was confined to a small corner of the northeast part of the island.<\/p>\n
I drove down a road to look for some waterfalls.\u00a0 I stopped at a small shack with a sign that told me the waterfall was 100 meters into the woods.\u00a0 An older man came out to greet me.\u00a0 After looking at the waterfall, I bought a bottle of water from him.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until he counted my change three inches from his face that I noticed his almost complete blindness.<\/p>\n
I thanked him and drove further down the road, managing to get stuck in a rut on a very steep slope.\u00a0 I eventually made it to a small beach with many bungalows and a few restaurants that climbed high up the steep hills that surrounded the beach.\u00a0 It was eerie because there was no one around.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure the rough road I travelled and the fact it was not yet the high season had something to do with it.\u00a0 Soon after I walked onto the beach, five white guys came out and swam in the rough water.\u00a0 They had a slightly frat-boyish way about them and I figured they were on vacation.\u00a0 But there was also a European lady in her 50\u2019s with a whiffle haircut that walked by me and said hello.\u00a0 The whole thing was playing out like a rejected screenplay for The Beach<\/i>.<\/p>\n
I drove back the way I came and passed by the old man again.\u00a0 The bottom of my scooter was covered in mud and in need of a quick spray so I stopped to see if the old gent could lend me hose.\u00a0 After explaining what I needed for about a minute, he opened his mouth and a revelatory \u201cAhhhhh!\u201d jumped out.\u00a0 He smiled and grabbed a hose that he attached to an open top, 80-gallon tank of water.\u00a0 There was no pump involved and therefore no pressure.\u00a0 He turned the valve on.\u00a0 The water dripped out of the hose with the force of drool slowly leaving a geek\u2019s mouth.\u00a0 Although he could not see the ineffective result, the blind man smiled and exhibited a strong sense of accomplishment.\u00a0 I laughed my ass off on the inside.\u00a0 In his mind, I had enough water pressure to fight back a line of 80 rioters.\u00a0 There was no way I would in any way compromise his glee so I pretended to wash my scooter, graciously thanked him and gave him a little money.<\/p>\n
\nDamn monkeys are everywhere!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The night before I left Koh Phangan, Watcharin informed me that we would be leaving on a 7:00AM ferry instead of the 10:00AM one he previously planned on.\u00a0 This meant I had to be awake at five in the morning.\u00a0 This is typically a terminal diagnosis for me but for some reason, I\u2019ve been going to bed earlier on this trip and often waking up at 6:30AM.\u00a0 For anyone that knows me, this is noteworthy.<\/p>\n
The reason Watcharin wanted to leave so early was because he was not able to make it into town earlier in the day since all the rain had caused a certain hill to be slippery with mud and ultimately impassable.\u00a0 I went to bed, hoping things would remain dry.\u00a0 Of course things did not remain dry.\u00a0 It was not raining when we started towards the pier but the damage had been done.\u00a0 At the bottom of the cursed hill, Watcharin stopped, put his truck into four-wheel drive, took a deep breath, and speed up the hill.\u00a0 At the halfway point, the wheels started to spin dramatically and I could already feel myself spending the rest of my trip at the Longtail Resort.\u00a0 Watcharin persisted and now the vehicle started to shift sideways.\u00a0 To my disbelief, the truck somehow managed to inch up the hill.\u00a0 It made no sense but I still appreciated this event that defied physical logic.\u00a0 At a hysterically slow pace, we made it to the top.\u00a0 The next mile was rough but nothing that paralleled the dodgy nature of our last obstacle.<\/p>\n
When we waited in the pickup truck to exit the ferry, we were slightly delayed by a tractor trailer truck that was trying to drive off the boat but couldn\u2019t due to the seas that had grown rough.\u00a0 The truck gave up, backed into the boat and let the other vehicles go by.\u00a0 I was happy to be on the mainland.\u00a0 Had I fully realized how wild the weather could be this time of year, I would have chained myself to a radiator back home and eaten the key.<\/p>\n
At the time I booked the trip, I read that the weather is pleasant in November on the Andaman Coast where I was last week (Koh Yao Yai, Railay, Koh Lanta, Krabi).\u00a0 I assumed that the weather on the opposite coast, just 60-100 miles away would be similar.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Apparently, the gulf-side where I was now enjoys a second, smaller monsoon season that ends in December.\u00a0 So now here I am in the quiet beach town of Khanom for three days, still on the gulf side, hoping I know of the sun for a few generous moments.\u00a0 If not, at least the rain will hide my tears.\u00a0 And, my last week of this trip will be in the Chiang Mai area which is supposed to be slightly cooler and drier.<\/p>\n
Once again, I have my own bungalow here at the Talkoo Beach Resort.\u00a0 And once again, I have two small bottles of drinking water, honorably waiting for me.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny how every place has two.\u00a0 Not three, not one\u2026always two.\u00a0 I guess they figure there will be a couple staying in the room so one bottle for each.\u00a0 If that\u2019s the case, my invisible wife has died from dehydration due to me drinking all her water.<\/p>\n
This place is decent.\u00a0 I have a neat wooden sink.\u00a0 I also share my shower with a giant cockroach.\u00a0 As far as the whole resort is concerned, I\u2019m sharing it with about 100 Thai youngsters who appear to be fourteen or so.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why they\u2019re here but there are boys and girls and they\u2019re often wearing athletic jerseys.\u00a0 Every once in a while, they cheer about something.\u00a0 There\u2019s a lot of giggling.\u00a0 Maybe they\u2019re here to watch me clog up the pool filter with an inordinate amount of chest (and shoulder) hair.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s also a bunch of random animals on the Khanom beaches (and other Thai beaches, for that matter).\u00a0 Right now, I\u2019m listening to the beginnings of what promises to be a great cat fight.\u00a0 One of these cats that appears to be feral but was recently taken in by the hotel has found its way into the clean towels and sheets that were left for me in front of my bungalow.\u00a0 Also on this beach, as in the others, I find loads of garbage.\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s a shame as these beaches are arguably the nicest in the world and they are marred by trash.\u00a0 I find bottles, single shoes and for whatever reason, lots of toothbrushes.<\/p>\n
\nGet out of my linens, kitty!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
Every bar or restaurant I went into was empty, making me feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining<\/i>.\u00a0 Was I talking to the only employee in the establishment or was I talking to a figment of my imagination?\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t tell.<\/p>\n
During the evening, I noticed my toilet paper supplies were disturbingly low so being the proactive type, I decided to avoid a most certain future calamity.\u00a0 I walked into the reception area and turned quickly into the front desk.\u00a0 As luck would have it, the woman on duty at the front desk was blisteringly hot.\u00a0 Had I known this, I would have waited for the wart-covered ogre that probably works the night shift.\u00a0 But I was right in front of her by the time I could see who was on duty so there was nowhere to run.<\/p>\n
With all the casual coolness I could muster, I put one elbow on the high desk, turned slightly and said, \u201cOh hi\u2026I was just wondering if I could get some toilet paper.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u00a0 You need it now?\u201d\u00a0 she questioned.<\/p>\n
What a loaded question.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I don\u2019t need it right<\/i> now but perhaps at some point in the next day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much you need?\u201d<\/p>\n
Another loaded question.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I guess one or two should do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I then did what was probably the worst possible thing which was staying there and talking to her for about 45 minutes.\u00a0 When another guest walked up, I told her goodbye.\u00a0 When I was almost to the door, she shouted across the reception lobby, \u201csir, you forgot toilet paper!\u201d<\/p>\n
I awkwardly retrieved it, got a funny look from the other guest and was on my awkward way.<\/p>\n
The next morning I asked my hotel for a scooter to rent.\u00a0 The receptionist asked me to wait a few minutes and then placed a call to someone.\u00a0 Shortly after, a man in his early 50\u2019s drove up in a ridiculously pink scooter.\u00a0 I was about to start making fun of this guy in my mind until I realized this was my scooter.\u00a0 If the color scheme wasn\u2019t bad enough, for some reason, the words \u201cchic\u201d, \u201cScoopy!\u201d and \u201cLover\u201d were written on both sides of the scooter.\u00a0 To make matters somehow worse, the \u201co\u201d in \u201cLover\u201d was a heart.\u00a0 Thankfully, my helmet was moderately tough looking.\u00a0 It was black with a tinted visor.\u00a0 It looked like something an Imperial Welder would wear while constructing the Death Star.<\/p>\n
\nGood Lord.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The appearance of my scooter did not stop me from taking it up a mountain and down numerous, rough jungle roads.\u00a0 One of these roads, without a hint of a warning sign, had a huge, impassable gaping hole at the end of a bridge.\u00a0 If I wasn\u2019t paying attention, I would have driven right off the edge and into this eight-foot deep canyon.<\/p>\n
\nThanks for the warning.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
This was not the first time I\u2019ve come across a dangerous road condition without warning.\u00a0 Earlier that day, while I ascended a mountain on a small, winding road, I noticed the earth just to the left had completely washed out.\u00a0 There was not one single sign or orange cone that warned me of this.\u00a0 If I had driven close to that edge, there was a sizable chance that I would have taken a 40-foot plummet.<\/p>\n
For lunch, I stopped at a great, seaside seafood restaurant.\u00a0 I sat at the edge (all the excitement today was found on edges) of a large deck and digested not only a wonderful seafood meal served in a coconut but equally delicious views.\u00a0 My waiter was a young South African man with very striking blue eyes.\u00a0 Later that day, five miles away at the bar next to my hotel, I saw those same eyes again on someone else serving me dinner.\u00a0 These eyes belonged to the brother of the waiter from the seaside restaurant.<\/p>\n
\nI meant it when I said the views were delicious.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The brother who worked the bar was scruffier, older and bolder.\u00a0 He kept calling me \u201cbro\u201d but pronounced it \u201cbreu\u201d with a tiny roll of the \u201cr\u201d.\u00a0 He was full of tales, more than would be expected of someone aged 20 years old.\u00a0 He went on at length about his experiences as a diamond smuggler in Africa.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure about the validity of these stories but they went well with my beer.\u00a0 One story in particular that struck me as outlandish was that he claimed Nelson Mandela was already dead.\u00a0 He said that his father was in the military and knew someone important that said Mandela had passed away a while ago and that they were making it look like he was alive for the sake of upcoming elections.<\/p>\n
\u201cBreu, Mandela is dead, breu.\u201d<\/p>\n
I also didn\u2019t believe this kid since he really disliked black people.\u00a0 I thought he said Mandela was dead because he wanted Mandela to be dead.\u00a0 It was odd because he looked like a young hipster but was racist.\u00a0 Who has ever heard of a racist hipster?\u00a0 On the inside, I laughed at his claim but when two or three days later the media said Mandela had died, I wondered if this pecker was right.<\/p>\n
After dinner, I headed over to the receptionist area to collect my breakfast coupon for the next day.\u00a0 Why they didn\u2019t just initially give me three coupons for the three days I was going to be here was beyond me.\u00a0 Maybe they thought I was going to try to scalp these tickets to what has been a very mediocre breakfast show.\u00a0 Or maybe they did it this way since they knew it would give me an excuse to go talk to the gorgeous, oil painting of a lady at the front desk.\u00a0 You know the one: she provided me the previous night with a resource more important than diamonds: toilet paper.\u00a0 She was there again tonight!<\/p>\n
We chatted for a couple hours which was amazing given the language barrier.\u00a0 She told me that she watched a couple of my videos online but didn\u2019t really understand them.\u00a0 I would have given plenty to be a gecko on the wall while she tried to make sense of my foolishness.\u00a0 After ten minutes of chatting, she brought to my attention to her co-worker who I did not see since he was sleeping on the ground behind the tall reception desk.\u00a0 This was odd but great.<\/p>\n
\n
I gathered my breakfast the next morning and again listened to a lot of Thai shouting on television.\u00a0 It was everywhere.\u00a0 Every television I walked by or sat near in Thailand seemed to be showing the protests taking place in Thailand.\u00a0 The protests began when a controversial bill had passed through Thailand\u2019s lower house.\u00a0 It was called the Amnesty Bill and many believe it would have allowed former leader Thaksin Shinawatra to return to Thailand without serving jail time.\u00a0 Thaksin was removed in 2006 by a military coup after many believed him to be guilty of corruption and implementing too much control on the country.\u00a0 When I was in Bangkok over two weeks ago, the protests were peaceful.\u00a0 I could actually hear them from my hotel window.\u00a0 Even though the Senate rejected the Amnesty Bill, the protests continued and grew a little more violent, resulting in a few deaths and several injuries.\u00a0 Now the protesters wanted the current Prime Minister and Thaksin\u2019s sister, Yingluck Shinawatra, to step down as they believed her rule to be controlled by her brother.<\/p>\n
For the most part, these protests were peaceful.\u00a0 At one point, the police even removed barricades and let the protesters enter restricted areas.\u00a0 This was done in efforts to diffuse the tensions of the protests which it seemed to do.\u00a0 There were even pictures showing protesters embracing police.\u00a0 From what I could see, these protests were much less violent than comparable political protests seen throughout the world.\u00a0 Perhaps it\u2019s because the vast majority of Thais are Buddhist.\u00a0 A Buddhist respects life, right down to an annoying insect.\u00a0 Perhaps this respect of life keeps people from being too reckless.\u00a0 Or maybe it\u2019s because they\u2019re in a tropical climate and don\u2019t want to sweat more than they have to.\u00a0 Being violent is a workout and we all know how dangerous it can be to exert yourself in the hot sun.<\/p>\n
Again I went out on my pink, breast cancer awareness scooter.\u00a0 Again I received some curious stares from some of the locals.\u00a0 A foreigner or \u201cfarang\u201d as they say, on a pink scooter tends to stick out.\u00a0 The thing I liked about Khanom was there were few farang.\u00a0 I was starting to wonder where Thai people vacationed and I think Khanom is one of the places.\u00a0 As in Koh Yao Yai, I got some genuinely curious smiles as I encountered some Thai people (also due to the fact that it was low season in Khanom).\u00a0 On my eventual van ride to the airport the next day, I was the only farang out of fourteen passengers.\u00a0 And the refreshingly small airport at Nakhon Si Thammarat was completely void of dang farang.\u00a0 It felt great to get off the tourist grid for a moment.<\/p>\n
Today I decided to drive north to see some beaches and the area\u2019s famed pink dolphins.\u00a0 I saw none.\u00a0 These dolphins are pink due to a rare form of albinism.\u00a0 I was hoping they would be attracted to my scooter and mistake it for a relative.\u00a0 I also stopped in at a cave whose steep entrance, overrun with jungle vegetation, look like any number of sets from Indiana Jones.\u00a0 There was not a soul around and the cave was not lit. \u00a0I went about fifteen feet, trying to light the way with my weak iPhone light that was humorously consumed by this greedy darkness.\u00a0 I stopped and decided to take a picture, hoping a picture taken with a flash could show me more.\u00a0 It did show me more, more of something I did not want to see.\u00a0 I looked at the picture and covering what would have been a couple feet from my head were hundreds of bats.\u00a0 One or two became disturbed by the flash and started to fly around.\u00a0 It was then I realized how unimportant a cave experience was for me.<\/p>\n
\nI don\u2019t mean to be a fussbudget but maybe your cave stairway needs a trim.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nLots of bats waiting to fly around and get caught in your hair. Thankfully I shaved my afro before entering.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
On my flight to Chiang Mai, I had a layover in Bangkok.\u00a0 When it came time to board my flight, a long line had formed at the gate.\u00a0 At that moment, I got to observe something interesting.\u00a0 A Buddhist monk quietly walked to the front of the line to the side of the check-in desk opposite of where the airline employee and customers were.\u00a0 The employee looked up, saw him, finished with the person she was checking in, moved over to where the monk was, checked him in and let him on his way in front of the rest of us.\u00a0 It was very reminiscent of an old Obi Wan Kenobi moment.\u00a0\u00a0 No one challenged this Jedi and no one in the line adjusted their facial expression.<\/p>\n
It made me seriously consider shaving my head and wearing some orange sheets around.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to know if his powers would hold up in American Registry of Motor Vehicles line.\u00a0 I doubt it.\u00a0 I think you need Moses riding a dinosaur kind of powers to conquer those cues.\u00a0 My guess is that Buddhist monks are so revered in Thailand, they are given certain well-deserved privileges but I still prefer to think he\u2019s using Jedi mind tricks to cut lines.<\/p>\n
When I exited Chiang Mai airport, I could instantly tell I was in a more serene city.\u00a0 Taxi drivers were there waiting for me but the over-the-top hustling and yelling I experienced in other parts of Thailand were gone.\u00a0 After checking into my hotel, I went out to eat.\u00a0 I sat outside eating and heard a band in a restaurant across the street playing \u201cFeels So Good\u201d by Chuck Mangione.\u00a0 What an unexpected pleasure.\u00a0 And just when I thought things have peaked, a 50-year old white guy with a subtle gut walked by wearing a black, sleeveless shirt that said \u201cLamborghini Countach\u201d on it.\u00a0 And yes, there was a front and side-view picture of a Lamborghini Countach on his shirt.<\/p>\n
\nWat Phra Singh in Chiang Mai. This is what MacDonalds SHOULD look like.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nWat Phan Tao in Chiang Mai. This is what the Brady\u2019s house in \u201cThe Brady Bunch\u201d SHOULD have looked like.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nWat Lok Molee in Chiang Mai. This is what our Elks Lodges SHOULD look like.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The following day, I walked around this really wonderful small city. Chiang Mai is a very livable place with just the right amount of urban intensity.\u00a0 There is a great diversity of things to do but at no point is it overwhelming.\u00a0 The abundant soulful vibe and culture were something I missed in the southern beaches (although it still could be found there).\u00a0 I can\u2019t help but feel that people go to the south to relax or retire and people come to the north to live.\u00a0 If that doesn\u2019t sell you on Chiang Mai, perhaps this picture of the most ridiculous car wash I found on a side street will.<\/p>\n
\nDamn, that car looks psyched.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
The other thing I finally decided to do in Chiang Mai was to buy a couple shirts for my friend Phoebe.\u00a0 Phoebe had been to Thailand before and once purchased a shirt covered with less than perfect English and hoping I could find something similar.\u00a0 At first I likened the activity to that of having to write post cards while travelling: something nice to do but a bit of a chore.\u00a0 Once I started this hunt, I became totally absorbed and intrigued by it.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t believe how bad and entertaining the English was; it was a hipster\u2019s wildest clothing dream come true.<\/p>\n
\nThis is beyond abstract.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nIn case you can\u2019t read this: \u201cIt\u2019s not beauty lotion, it\u2019s sweat. Beautiful and doing it. Beauty is nothing without the guts to back it up. I can do anything and making history\u201d. I love the first line because it indicates there is a real problem in Thailand of people mistaking sweat for beauty lotion.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
I opted for a daintier form of travel today, a bicycle with a basket in front of the handlebars and no top bar in the frame.\u00a0 I cycled around some of the remaining parts of the old city I had not yet seen.\u00a0 At noon, I met up with my brother in law\u2019s friend\u2019s brother.\u00a0 Jon had been living in Thailand for a couple years.\u00a0 The day before, he said, \u201cMeet me at Wawee Coffee shop.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be outside when you get there.\u00a0 I\u2019m about 5\u20196\u201d.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be smoking.\u201d \u00a0It\u2019s perfect when you can identify yourself by a future action.\u00a0 Tom knew a day in advance what specific action he\u2019d be engaged in at a specific moment.\u00a0 Beyond breathing and scratching my head, I have no idea what I\u2019ll be doing tomorrow.<\/p>\n
I identified Tom immediately and not just because he\u2019s white, (there\u2019s plenty of expats in Chiang Mai \u2013 20,000 according to Jon).\u00a0 He was the compact, wiry, relaxed guy in the back smoking.\u00a0 He provided me some wonderful input on Thailand in general.\u00a0 From what he told me and from what I read, the Thai are a people who, for the most part, have no desire to cause problems.\u00a0 They desire to alleviate tension and typically don\u2019t discuss politics (except the protesters).\u00a0 \u201cThailand sounds like an Asian \u2018Pleasantville\u2019\u201d, I said.<\/p>\n
He laughed, put out a cigarette and said, \u201cyah, in a way\u201d.<\/p>\n
He told me how much they love their king which is seen everywhere.\u00a0 You can\u2019t walk ten feet without seeing a picture of him.\u00a0 He recommended I read the book \u201cThe King Never Smiles\u201d which has been practically banned in Thailand.\u00a0 It sheds some very interesting light on this immensely popular figure.\u00a0 The book claims that the King is one of the greatest PR achievements of all time and he was \u201cmade\u201d to unify the country.\u00a0 Whether this is true or not, he does unite the country like nothing I have ever seen.\u00a0 The best demonstration of this was during the protests.\u00a0 The King\u2019s birthday fell in the middle the protests.\u00a0 During that weekend of his birthday, the protests stopped.\u00a0 There was such a reverence of this man.\u00a0 He somehow rose above politics and all that was petty.\u00a0 This made him more important than the most powerful political figure in Thailand.\u00a0 Jon told me that he has a lot of influence on decisions made in the country.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not sure America has such a figure, someone that the entire country has unwavering love for, that is immune to all forms of politics while at the same time influencing them.\u00a0 I think the closest thing we have to that is the Statue of Liberty or Captain America.<\/p>\n
\nFloating lanterns being lit on the King\u2019s birthday.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nFloating lanterns away! No one really gives thought to what eventually happens to them. Hopefully they don\u2019t land on a gas station.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
That night I stopped in the North Gate Jazz Club.\u00a0 There was no music when I arrived so I read and drank a Singha.\u00a0 A man in his early 30\u2019s came over and asked if he could share the table.\u00a0 His name was Paul.\u00a0 He was white and professionally bearded.\u00a0 He wore a baseball cap that said \u201cMontana\u201d on it.\u00a0 This cap failed to contain the early 1980\u2019s-length hair that poured out of it.\u00a0 His eyes and glasses were reminiscent of John Lennon while the lower half of his face was pure Barry Gibb.\u00a0 Paul was some sort of marine biology wildlife employee (basically, he walked in the woods a lot) for five months of the year in Glacier National Park located in Montana.\u00a0 The other part of the year, he was a substitute teacher and like me, was spending a month in Thailand.\u00a0 The music finally started as we spoke and compared notes on our Thai experiences.\u00a0 Unfortunately, the jazz evolved into that modern, free jazz that I can\u2019t stand.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, you want to check out a really cool music bar that I was at last night?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy sister would be displeased to see me trusting a stranger so blindly but if I get taken advantage of in some way, at least there will be music in the background.\u201d<\/em>, I thought.<\/p>\n
We walked a mile or so out of the small city.\u00a0 When we approached the area, Paul couldn\u2019t find it at first.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s down some dirt road, I think.\u201d\u00a0 Paul continued to look.\u00a0 Paul was clearly not from the northeast \u2013 his wonderful inexactness told me that.\u00a0 He originated from Atlanta, Georgia (probably the Atlanta that happened before all the traffic arrived).<\/p>\n
We finally found a long disturbingly dark, dirt driveway that led off the busy road and walked down it. \u00a0\u201cGod, my sister is going to be furious with me.\u00a0 Too late to turn back now.\u00a0 I wonder how bad this will turn out.\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ll just have to wait until my body heals and my psych evaluation comes through positive before I see my sister again.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n
About halfway down, we paused and each took a side of the driveway so that we could add to Chiang Mai\u2019s water table. \u00a0\u201cPeeing with strangers?\u00a0 My sister will definitely change the security code on the garage door opener when she finds out.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n
Paul was so excited to revisit this bar.\u00a0 \u201cWait until you see how cool this place is!\u00a0 The owner let me play a mandolin last night.\u201d\u00a0 We came out of the darkness and into the light, looking fun.\u00a0 There were people sitting at a table outside that turned to look at us.\u00a0 Whenever this moment happens, I am taken back to summer high school parties.\u00a0 I love that same feeling of coming out of the shadows into a well-lit area in the back yard as the partygoers attempt to identify you during your approach.<\/p>\n
When we were completely in the light, we could see the doors of the bar were shut and no music was playing.\u00a0 The people at the table were the employees and they informed us the bar was closed in observance of the King\u2019s birthday.\u00a0 Paul\u2019s heart sank.\u00a0 In true \u201ckick \u2018em while he\u2019s down\u201d fashion, a dog ran up to Paul at that very moment and bit his ankle hard enough to draw a little blood.\u00a0 We left.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou think that dog has rabies?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think so.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny, that dog attacked another guy last night but it had a muzzle on at the time.\u201d<\/p>\n
I love animals dearly but I\u2019m fairly certain I would have kicked that thing in the face with memorable force if it bit me.\u00a0 Why a business owner would have a dog around that bites people is mysterious to me.\u00a0 I felt bad for Paul.\u00a0 He made a valiant effort to see this place and not only was it closed but he got bit by a dog.<\/p>\n
Back at the main road, we flagged down a tuk tuk driver that seemed to have whatever disorder it is that makes you appear drunk.\u00a0 He may have been drunk but there was something more to it.\u00a0 He dropped us in town.\u00a0 After we got out, he awkwardly remained in the road, in the darkness.\u00a0 The road was quiet at that late hour but his staying there struck me as odd.\u00a0 Paul and I tried to find an open bar but found none.\u00a0 We said goodbye and I walked back to my hotel.\u00a0 I approached the spot where we were dropped off and in the darkness, I saw our tuk tuk driver in the same spot.\u00a0 He was sloppily sitting there and burping repeatedly.\u00a0 It was so strange that I loved it instantly.\u00a0 He eventually saw me, made some incoherent noises, started his tuk tuk back up and departed.<\/p>\n
\nIn Chiang Mai, there is an Academy dedicated to the art of hugging.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nI love it when white dudes visit Thailand for two weeks and dress like this.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
After checking out of the hotel, I got into my tiny, white rental car.\u00a0 I headed south out of Chiang Mai and then west into Mae Hong Son Loop.\u00a0 This roughly 600-mile loop begins and ends in Chiang Mai and takes you through lovely mountains. \u00a0On my way to my first destination, Mae Sariang, I stopped off at some hot springs.\u00a0 As I walked around the springs, a man gave me a hard-boiled egg which is the international gesture that means \u201cyou look like a guy that would eat a hard-boiled egg given to you from a stranger\u201d.\u00a0 He and his family were cooking eggs in the hot springs.\u00a0 This Mae Hong Son trip was already paying huge dividends.<\/p>\n
\nIt\u2019s a picture of some mountains. What did you think it was?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
After spending a night in Mae Sariang, I drove north to Mae Hong Son.\u00a0 My resort was five miles outside of town, in the middle of nowhere.\u00a0 When I walked up to the reception desk, I saw a picture of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and the owner of the resort.\u00a0 It was taken about five years ago when these famous creatures stayed at the resort.\u00a0 Later on, I waited in the reception area until the person on duty left for a moment.\u00a0 I then quickly grabbed the picture, put it next to my face and took a photo.<\/p>\n
\nIf Angebrad had any sense of humor, they would take a picture of their heads next to this picture.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nMy bungalow. Bradelina may have stayed in this very same bungalow. Mail me $5.82 and I\u2019ll give you all the details of how great it is to be me.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
\nPicture of rice paddies at the resort where Angbrelinad most likely made out.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
After dark, I headed into town and walked around a night market.\u00a0 Performing in the middle of it was a group of Thai children playing various pop songs.\u00a0 Joy was the order of the night when they played \u201cZombie\u201d by the Cranberries. \u00a0As the song ended, \u201cDog Bite\u201d Paul from Chiang Mai walked up.\u00a0 He emailed me earlier in the day and said he might go to Mae Hong Son.\u00a0 We hung out for a bit and I headed back to my place but not before we made plans to meet up in Soppong in a couple days.<\/p>\n
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